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Layers of agreement
We walk through layers of agreement each day. But do we notice?
“Yes, and . . . “ is the foundational exercise of improvisation. It contains two essential features first defined in the “Kitchen Rules” of the Compass Theatre in the 1960s: agreement and collaborative story-building. The longer I have played with this game and the concepts it promotes, the more profound it has become for me.
Do you realize how much we depend on agreement in our everyday lives? Think about a four-way stop sign intersection on crossing roads. First we agree we will stop. Then we agree who moves first. Or forming a queue for . . . anything. An effective conversation depends on a simple agreement: you talk, I listen. Then, reverse.
I will go out on a limb here and say the following: the very existence of civilization depends upon agreements, often unspoken and unexamined. Civilization begins to break down when those agreements fall apart.
And here’s another observation: genuine agreement includes a loss of ego and a feeling of vulnerability. When we agree (even at the stop sign or the Starbucks line) we become partners. We have moved from an individual existence in which the only actions are my responses to the chaos of existence, to a shared existence in which we have seen and recognized each other and are organizing existence together. Agreement then can be seen as a defense against fear and isolation. But it requires that I don’t entirely get my way, I acknowledge you have something to say and contribute, and that I will make space for it. And though in joining me in agreement you ease my fear and isolation, your presence make me feel vulnerable . . . even just a little.
One of my foundational pieces of writing is David Foster Wallace’s This Is Water. The title refers to the a joke which plays upon the way we operate in ways we don’t even see. He calls this our “default setting,” and cautions us to be aware of when that setting is dialed in to negativity, cynicism and intolerance. But here’s a glass half full version: we can also notice when our default setting includes agreement.
We walk in the world through layers of agreement, and each one - from the “bless you/thank you” exchange after the sneeze, to the groundbreaking one in which we finally put all the anger behind us - each one is a spiritual affirmation. We are not alone. We can meet each other safely. We can move forward together.